How To Maybe Come On A Little Too Strong: A Primer In Three Emails
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Hi, S____! We met at the party the other night. I was charming and you liked me. I would like to mail you something. Like “mail you something” in the old-fashioned “put-a-bunch-of-stamps-on-and-bring-it-to-the-post-office” sense, “mail you something.” What is your address?
I promise you it’s not something weird, like a journal of my poetry, or a dead bird’s head. And I promise you I’m not going to show up at your house to surprise you, or leave burning messages in your lawn, or anything creepy like that.
But I am one hundred percent serious about sending you something nice in the mail, if you give me your address. If you are one of those people who doesn’t like getting wonderful surprises in the mail, I totally understand, and just don’t respond to this message and I won’t bother you again.
But! If you would like to find something delightful in your mailbox, give me your address and I will send it tomorrow. Again, if you just want us to be the kind of people who sometimes run into each other at parties and don’t send each other great surprises in the mail, that’s okay too.
Thanks,
Raphael
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Hey! A____! Did I meet you last week? At a comedy show I co-hosted on the Lower East Side? And you told me you were reading Franny and Zooey and I said cool, and then you asked me if I did any shows in LA ever, and I said, I don’t know, not really, kind of? Was that you?
If so, Hey! Thanks for coming to the show! It was nice to meet you!
If not, Hey! Nevermind! Do you know any other A____s that I might have been trying to send this message to? Do me a favor and spread the word, yeah?
Anyway, if it is you (and if it’s not, you can stop reading now, Nosy), I don’t know if you’re back in LA yet, but would you want to get a drink some time? Or a coffee (which is also a drink)? Or a meal (which is like a drink, but with food)? Technically, we didn’t meet on the internet, so this is officially not creepy.
Thank you for your time, and thank you in advance for not spoiling the end of Franny and Zooey for me, because I’m not finished yet. Right now I’m at the part where the Glass family is depressed.
Again, I just want to reiterate, for the record, that it is DEFINITELY NOT CREEPY that we had a two minute conversation where you didn’t even tell me your last name and then a week later I found you on the internet, even if it might seem a little creepy — I asked two friends and they both confirmed that this is NOT CREEPY.
I’m going to wrap things up now (this is what they call Quitting While You’re Ahead).
Take care,
Raphael
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Hey, M____, I was thinking about you recently and I wanted to drop you a line. We were friends in middle school. I think you probably remember me. I went by Raizin at the time. I hope you’re well. We haven’t kept in touch, at all, but we did bump into each other once during high school at the Border’s downtown, and you seemed happy.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that when we were in middle school I had a really big crush on you and I never told you, but I wish I had. Maybe this is a big surprise, but I think probably you already knew, even if you don’t remember now.
I thought you were really fantastic and sweet. I don’t remember many specifics about you — I’m not sure I’d even recognize you if I saw you walking down the street now — but I still remember the feeling I got when talking to you. You made me feel special, and important, and cool (which I was empirically NOT in middle school). When I was around you, I didn’t just like you, I liked me, which was a feeling no girl had ever made me feel before.
Is this coming off as sad? Or weird? I hope not. If it does, I’m sorry; that’s not the intention. I know sometimes it’s nice to be told that you were loved and sometimes it’s kind of gross, and I’m very aware that this could be one of those gross times, but I’m hoping it’ll be the other thing — the thing where you’re surprised by some warm notion and then all day everything feels a little nicer and you find yourself smiling without realizing it and you just have all this love for everything and everybody in your life and you know that everything’s going to be okay. You know, one of those days.
TO BE CLEAR: I’m doing fine now. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about this, in case that’s what it seems like. This hasn’t been weighing on me. I really don’t have a lot of regrets. I just remember you very vividly as the first girl I really liked a whole a lot but didn’t have the courage to tell. And I thought maybe, if I told you now, then I wouldn’t have to feel bad about what a coward I was every time I thought of you.
Which, again, is not very often.
As I get older, I find more and more that when I look back, I wish I had taken more risks, and yet still in the present I don’t take those risks. I’m trying to be more honest in my life, and I’m trying to be braver about talking to people, and I thought it would be easier if I started at the beginning and then worked my way back to now.
So, that’s it. I’m not asking you to write me back, or go on a date with me, or send me a picture, or anything weird like that. I just wanted to let you know how I felt so many years ago. I wish I had been brave enough to tell you then. I don’t know if it would have changed anything, but maybe I could have at least given you one really good day.
Sincerely (too sincerely?),
Raphael
