So if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that every year I keep a running tally and ranking of every movie I see because apparently I can’t just enjoy anything.
I’ve seen three movies so far in 2012, and while normally I rank movies by how much I enjoyed them, this year I’m doing something a little different and ranking them by how Channing Tatum-y they are, from least Channing Tatum-y to most Channing Tatum-y. For those who don’t know who Channing Tatum is, first of all, kill yourself, because the un-Channing-Tatum-ed life is not worth living. Basically (and this is all paraphrased from Wikipedia), Channing Tatum is a hunky pouty character from a Nicholas Sparks book that magically came to life because enough adolescent girls quietly wished it while weeping softly into their Lisa Frank notebooks. (Is Lisa Frank still a thing? Sure she is.)
Okay, here goes, list-time:
3. Haywire — This movie only has a little Channing Tatum in it, but he does get a decent fight scene. The action set pieces are all fantastic, because there isn’t so much cutting around that you can’t tell what’s happening, but everything else is pretty forgettable. Could’ve used more Channing Tatum, honestly.
2. 21 Jump Street — I saw an early screening of this and had a blast — this movie is way funnier than it has any business being, and Channing Tatum is great at playing his big dumb handsome guy routine for laughs. I definitely recommend seeing this when it comes out, unless it gets really bad reviews and it’s generally considered not “cool” to like this movie, in which case I take back everything I said.
1. The Vow — this movie is soooooo Channing Tatum-y. The Vow was pretty much made for Channing Tatum to squint and pout his way through with his dumb squinty pout-face. Apparently it’s “inspired by true events” and I’m pretty sure the true event that happened was a guy walked into a movie studio and said, “I’ve got a great idea for a movie starring Channing Tatum!” How well does this movie make use of Channing Tatum’s talents? At one point, Channing Tatum says he doesn’t like cats, and then, later, he is sad and lonely, and he cradles a homeless cat, with his shirt off. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW CHANNING TATUM SHOULD BE USED, LIKE SOME SORT OF MODERN-DAY KOKO THE GORILLA. Oh my God, Channing Tatum is the new Koko the gorilla! Don’t crush that kitten, Channing Tatum!
I will keep this list updated throughout the year as I see more movies with Channing Tatum in them (he’s in like a billion this year, rough estimate). BTW I am seriously considering only seeing Channing Tatum movies this year. Like, seriously. Like, what is wrong with me?