These are all the movies on Morgan Fairchild’s wikipedia page that don’t have their own wikipedia pages. So much mystery! What was “Bikini Model Academy” about? Is “Just Deserts” a spelling error or an attempt at wordplay? I feel like this is what Jenna from 30 Rock’s resume must look like. Some of these titles are so evocative I feel like they don’t even need wikipedia entries. I mean, is there anything else you need to know about “Point of Seduction: Body Chemistry III” or “Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000” that isn’t right there in the titles?
Just in time for the holidays (well, certain holidays), The Exquisite Corpse Project can now be yours to own in a physical format that you can hold in your hands and put on your shelves and wrap up in gift wrap and give to your friends. Sure, you can still stream the movie online for only five bucks (still a great deal for the uninitiated!), but damn it, sometimes you want something tactile you can own, in this crazy ephemeral world that we live in. And since both the DVD and Blu-Ray are literally metaphorically stuffed to their gills with bonus features, you don’t have to feel like a sucker for buying the full package. Our virtual merch table also has posters, t-shirts, and an EP by Dave’s band The Wake Up Kings, featured in The Exquisite Corpse Project. Fun for the whole family!
So excited I can finally talk about this amazing project I’ve been putting together over the last few years. Can’t talk about it right now though — we’ve got twelve episodes to write! See you in six months!
Look! I made a thing! The table turned out NOT BAD I think. It’s a little My-First-Decoupage, which is okay because that’s what it is. There are a lot of weird wrinkles and bubbles and time will tell if I put on enough layers of glop for this thing to withstand the ravages that come from being my table. During the process I got worried that I was ruining a perfectly good piece of furniture (and two perfectly good books), but I think at the end of the day I’d rather have something that’s a little less perfectly good if that makes it a little more mine.
YOU GUYS! I figured out the best kind of joke! I’ve been workshopping this bit for the past few months and when dropped into casual conversation it has never not received an overwhelmingly positive reaction. I do not think I am overstating things when I call this ever-adaptable joke structure the very best kind of joke there could ever possibly be. Since I am nothing if not generous I now give this bold new style of joke to you, the world. Have at it! Enjoy being hilarious!
Move across the country and hope the sadness won’t find you, won’t follow you like a stray dog from coast to coast. Hope that the sadness isn’t just a fog on a leash shadowing you always. Hope that the sadness can’t be as fleet as you are, hope that the sadness is more rooted. Perhaps the sadness has friends, a family, and can’t just pick up and go. Look at all this stuff the sadness has in California, New York, wherever you’re currently leaving. How’s the sadness going to survive without all this stuff? Hope this isn’t one of those Anywhere-I-Hang-My-Hat-Is-Home type situations where the sadness hangs its hat on you. Hope that you are not the sadness’s home, anywhere you go, no matter how far, no matter how quick, the sadness lives in you. Hope to God it’s not that.
Move across the country and start a new adventure. Create a brand new life, buy a new set of furniture, a fresh autumn coat. Make new friends and reconnect with old ones. Fill your days with distraction. Take a class, pick up a hobby, learn an instrument, anything to make the days pass quicker, to accumulate distance, to get you as far away as possible from the day that you left.
Move across the country and watch the short yellow lines shoot past you down the pavement. See the city recede in the distance behind the boxes of things obstructing your rear window. Settle somewhere fertile, plant a new you and watch you blossom. You can barely remember that old you now, the you who lived in that other city and was sad. That old you wasn’t you; this is you. This is the you you want to be.
And when the sadness catches up, tracks you down, when the sadness like a phoenix regenerates, when you return home one day, arms full of groceries, to find the sadness sitting at the kitchen table, casually reading the paper as if it never left, eating a muffin as if this was all perfectly natural — when that happens, you can put your groceries down and walk back out the door and close the door behind you. You can get a job in another town and pack up all your stuff and move across the country. Move across the country and start again someplace new.
Let’s be honest. Halloween sucks. It’s the same boring shit every year — scary this, sexy that, candy, witches, whatever. That’s why for the October 31st edition of Fresh Out, we’re throwing a very special Un-Halloween bash!
If you’re sick of this trite, shallow holiday, take refuge inside the UCBeast Theatre for a show that we guarantee will be 100% devoid of Halloween-themed content! There will be games, contests, and tons of fun, none of which will require you to put on an uncomfortable, unfunny costume just because you’re afraid you’ll get made fun of if you don’t.
With me as my very special cohost will be the hilarious and decidely unspooky Raphael Bob-Waksberg. Come out for what definitely won’t be the fright of your life!
Get ready for an epic spooktacular of frightful proportions! Wait, no, the opposite of that.
If policemen and doctors would just do their jobs, we wouldn’t have any crime or any death.
Look, I know you cops like hanging out at Dunkin Donuts most of the day. I know you doctors like playing golf every afternoon. But if you want to keep your cushy jobs, you’re going to have to step up and show us some RESULTS to justify your pay.
If a police department has more than three crimes per month committed in its jurisdiction, funding for the department will be cut, and some police officers will have to be fired until the crime rate goes down. If a two or more patients under a doctor’s care die (for any reason) in a single year, fifty-percent of that doctor’s salary will be garnished by the government, and he will risk losing his medical license if the survival rates do not improve.
Now, I already hear you complaining. “I’m a police officer in a dangerous area. We risk our lives each day, and we can’t afford to lose funding or manpower.” Or, “I’m a doctor who specializes in treating cancer patients and the elderly. I work as hard as I can to keep them alive against incredible odds.”
Well, guess what? Nobody forced you to become a police officer or a doctor. Get with the program, or get out of the field.
— What If We Spoke to Police Officers and Doctors the Way We Speak to Teachers? (via edukaition)
Hi. My name is Raphael and this is where I write about my feelings. I am in the comedy group Olde English and we made this movie. I currently live in Los Angeles where I spend the majority of my time trying to find a parking space.