Boring Old Raphael.TUMBLR

Sad Song Saturday is on hiatus this week while I am in Los Angeles. Tune in next Saturday for more sadness.

Come Fly With Me.

abudak:

Travel and Leisure Magazine put out their rankings of “American’s Favorite Cities” today, and, of course, included Washington, DC.  Based on DC’s ranking (out of 30) on attractiveness (#27), Friendliness (#28), Romance (#29), and Wildness (#30), but with a cultural ranking of #1, one can only conclude that we are ugly, rude, boring, and dull…but we have siiiiiick museums!

Not sure who voted in this (Really? New Yorkers are less attractive, athletic, and intelligent than people in Kansas City? Look at the picture they chose for Kansas City! Clearly even the website is on my side here.) but there are some fun breakdowns here regardless.  Hmmm, where should I move to next…?

Sad Song Saturday: Joni Mitchell - Both Sides, Now (download)

Send your sad song suggestions to Raizin(at)gmail(dot)com.

Julia told me this story one night at the Alligator Lounge:

Graham Nash and Joni Mitchell were in love and engaged to be married when she went to Paris.  When she got there, she thought about all the talented women in her family that never went anywhere because they got married and settled down.  So, she sent Graham Nash a break up letter, and in it she wrote: “No matter how tightly you hold on to sand, it still slips through your fingers.”

Last Minute Cheap and Easy Halloween Costume Ideas For YOU!

“WHAT?! Halloween is this weekend? I had no idea! What am I going to do? I’d better get my big stupid head out of my big stupid ass!”

Guess who that was. Give up? It was you. I know, I’m really good at impressions.

So you haven’t picked out a costume yet and you’re afraid it’s too late? Never fear! I have compiled this list of cheap and easy costume ideas for those of you who waited until the last minute. Feel free to use any of these. All I ask is that you send me a check for five dollars, or at least tell all your friends that I am handsome.

• A good costume to wear in these hipster times is Ironic You. This is someone who dresses exactly like you, but does so ironically. Put on your favorite sweater and say, “Isn’t this sweater lame? It’s so bad it’s great.” Talk about movies you like. “The Royal Tenenbaums? That’s the worst. That makes it the best!”

• Another great costume is Person Who Ignores Everyone Because She’s Listening To Her IPod. Wear headphones that lead into your pocket. Cut in line at the keg. When someone taps you on the shoulder and tells you you’re cutting, make a gesture that says, “I can’t hear you. I’m listening to my iPod.” Smile and nod at everyone. Tell people how much you love Matt & Kim.

• Everybody wants to be a sexy something for Halloween — like a sexy vampire or a sexy umpire — but you know what I think is sexy? TAKING A STAND AGAINST DOMESTIC ABUSE. So, do something with that, maybe.

• Whatever you do, DON’T go as Zombie Michael Jackson, because no matter how much work you put into it, there’s going to be five guys at the party in better Zombie Michael Jackson costumes. Remember last year how every guy was the Joker and every girl was either Sarah Palin or Sexy Sarah Palin? That’s what it’s going to be like this year with Zombie Michael Jackson. It’s going to be like that scene in Being John Malkovich when Malkovich goes through the tunnel and ends up in a restaurant full of Malkoviches. It’s going to be like that with Zombie Michael Jackson. “But in the Thriller video—” Yeah, I know, I get it. Listen: do yourself a favor. Go as Zombie Bea Arthur instead.

• Go as the person who’s too cool to dress up for Halloween. Make fun of other people’s costumes as viciously as possible, then say, ”I don’t really feel that way; I just have to stay in character.”

• Wear all one color. Maybe red or yellow. When no one’s watching, surreptitiously sip a large glass of water, and keep the water in your mouth. Go to to a large group of people having a conversation and quietly join the circle. When the timing feels right, spit out your water on someone. Yay fire hydrant!

• Or wear all brown and proclaim, “I’m a Hallo-weenie!” If people do not laugh at your joke, say it again, louder. Maybe they didn’t hear you the first time. Maybe they are deaf. Say it in sign language. If they still do not laugh, they probably just don’t get it. Man, this party’s full of losers.

• Go to a Halloween party in normal clothes and say you’re a surfer dude. If someone asks why you aren’t dressed for surfing, say “Why would I go surfing in October? At night? At a halloween party?” Then say, “Idiot.”

• Here’s a similar idea that really packs a wallop: go as a member of the KKK when not at a rally. Again, this requires no actual costume aside from what you’re actually wearing that day. Someone might come up to you and say, “What’s so scary about that? You look just like anybody else.” Reply: “You just answered your own question.”

• Or you could be a robot from the future trying to pass as a twenty-first century human. Dress in normal clothes and talk like how a robot would think a person would talk. Or don’t! Whatever!

• Here’s something: take a trip down memory lane and put on some clothes you haven’t worn for weeks. Say, ”I’m September Me. I’m just like Now Me, except I happened a month ago.” Pretend you don’t know anyone that you’ve met since September. Make lots of cultural references to September, like, “Don’t you love that Patrick Swayze’s still alive?” or “I haven’t given up on Glee yet!” or “I’mma let you finish, but September is the best month of all time! OF ALL TIME!”

• Go as your roommate! This is super easy; just ask your roommate if you can borrow some clothes. Then after the party, he’ll say, “Hey, can I get my clothes back?” and you’ll say, “Yeah, I’m just going to wash them for you,” then NEVER GIVE THEM BACK!  Ha ha, suck on that, roommate.

Erin Mckeown - The Foxes

I will never not love a new Erin Mckeown album. You can take that to the bank, because that promise is SOLID.

Sad Song Saturday: Josh Ritter - The Bad Actress (Acoustic) (download)

Send your sad song suggestions to Raizin(at)gmail(dot)com.

Sorry this song is late. I am in the midst of a VERY IMPORTANT PROJECT THAT I WILL NOT TELL YOU ABOUT BUT WILL INSTEAD SPEND SEVERAL PARAGRAPHS HINTING ABOUT VAGUELY. Enjoy.

One day you might discover that you’ve written something. And you might send it to your manager, with a note attached that says, “Hey, is this something? I don’t know; it might be nothing.”

And your manager will call you and say, “Oh yeah, this is something. But maybe it could be a little more something. This is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. What if… instead of three friends… you make them triplets?”

So, you’ll write another draft (about triplets this time), and then another one, and after more notes from your manager, and from your friends, you’ll write more drafts, and when your manager thinks it’s ready, he’ll send it to his boss, and then he’ll give you notes and you’ll make more changes.

Then maybe some studio will read the something that is now about ten times removed from the first something you wrote, and they’ll say, “Hey, we kind of like this. We might want to make this something. But we don’t know yet. What if we gave you enough money to make a short something that’s kind of like this other something so that we can get a taste for it?”

This would be very exciting. So, you get started writing a short something that’s kind of like your original longer something, but it’s difficult because by this point you’ve kind of forgotten what was funny or interesting about the something to begin with. But the studio has hired a producer and a director and they’re giving you lots of great notes and locations are being scouted and actors are being hired, so there’s no turning back now!

And you might start to think, well this is an awful lot of other people’s time and money being spent on this stupid little something that I wrote. You might wonder to yourself, is this is all a set-up? Am I the victim of an elaborate prank? Or am I the perpetrator?

Because secretly, you’re not even sure the thing you’ve written is all that good.

In a few weeks, you’re flying down to L.A., and you’re still several drafts away, and you said you’d get them new pages a few days ago, and everybody’s waiting on you, and you’re so so sure that no matter what you do now, the whole project is doomed, it’s going to be a disaster, but there’s nothing you can do now to stop this runaway train, and worst of all, this is exactly the kind of opportunity you’ve been hoping for. All this attention, and pressure, and anxiety — this debilitating terror — this is what it is. It’s not going to get any easier than this.

And you might discover that success is much more terrifying than failure, because of all the grander future failures it implies.

And if all this happens to you, and you feel lost and confused and humbled and anxious and pretty much just about worthless — well, if that happens and you need some advice, you give me a call, because maybe by that time I’ll know how the story ends.

Sad Song Saturday: John Lennon - Grow Old With Me (download) (submitted by Kevin A.)

Send your sad song suggestions to Raizin(at)gmail(dot)com.

Kevin says: I’ve always loved John Lennon.  His ideology is inspiring and timeless, his antics are amusing, and he’s a fairly well-known musician.  He wrote this song with Yoko in 1980, one of the last songs he wrote before he was killed.  Behind his political views and outspokenness, Lennon only truly wished to live a life full of love.  The lyrics speak for themselves:
“Grow old along with me
Whatever fate decrees
We will see it through
For our love is true
God bless our love”

I say: You know what makes me sad? (Besides the obvious fact that John and Yoko did not in fact grow old together?) All the vitriol and hatred still leveled against Yoko Ono by supposed fans of the man who loved her more than anything.

If you love John Lennon and you hate Yoko, not as an artist, but as a person, I think you’re — and I’m sorry, but there’s no other word for it — kind of gross.

It seems a little bit selfish, like you don’t want to share John Lennon, or like you love the idea of John Lennon more than the man himself — the perfect, ideal John Lennon is better than one who gets insecure and needs approval from others and needs love and gets restless and outgrows the Beatles. It’s like how you might get mad at Liz Phair for making her albums more shiny and accessible because that’s not Liz Phair, or Of Montreal for rewriting one of their best songs into an Outback Steakhouse jingle because, come on, guys . However, if you can’t see how much love Yoko brought into John’s life, how much she challenged him and inspired him and filled him with joy, then I would argue that you don’t really love the idea of John Lennon at all.

(This is an excellent essay on Yoko, which I recommend all Beatles fans at least skim.)